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Irrfan's last letter

Thursday 30 April 2020 | 4:14 PM | By Aditi

Just recently came across this new word "high grade neuroendocrine cancer." A totally new name for me. Doctors kept experimenting, treating me in London, America and Mumbai and I became part of the experiment of this new disease. Doctors had even consoled me that I'd be fine. Infact I had returned back.

I was traveling in a high paced train, with dreams, plans, aspirations, goaĺs and was so engrossed in it when out of the blues someone tapped on my shoulder and as I turned, it was the TC telling me, 'Your designation has arrived. Get down.' I'm shocked. 'My destination has arrived 😳 No no my destination can't come now.'

It's just 53 years, three months and twenty two days only. And Ammi has just got down on the last station and my station so early! Nah this can't be possible. But he was insistent, 'No, this is your destination, you have to get down here. Your journey is upto here only.'

_Hairaton ke silsile soz-e-niha tak aa gaye

Hum nazar tak chahte the tum toh jaa tak aa gaye_

Life's that way. You plan something but it has it's own plans. It's like planning for miles but don't know what's stored in for the next moment.

My long list included Bollywood, Hollywood, French cinema, Life of Pi, Slumdog Millionaire, Jurrasic World, Namesake. Just recently I met Avengers star Ruffalo to discuss a new project. And recently Angrezi Medium released in Bollywood and has already made way to Hotstar in lockdown. But... everything... is left.

Felt severe pain yesterday when perceived it's probably Corona but been quite used to this pain since last couple of years and was well aware of it's intensity and the inherent pain. Brain stops functioning in the agony and any enheartened words or motivation or the whole universe - only the pain and feeling of pain which appears bigger than God.

While making way to the hospital felt I was getting finished, getting weak, had gone upset, infact failed to feel anything. But heart doesn't give up and the ray of hope amid pain assures you have to get back.

There's a mere street standing tall between life and death, opposing the despair of the hospital, can see life smiling across the road. Is there any surety in a hospital, can anyone claim for results in life?

Certainty is the only uncertain outcome of life. I on my part can just fight with all my strength and I fought too but didn't know death will hit this way.

As jouney comes to an end and it's time to bid good bye, reminiscing few lines of Kaifi Saheb that fit on me

_Rehne ko sada dahar main aata nahi koi

Jaise main gaya aise bhi jata nahi koi_

Yours truly
Irrfan
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